EXT. OUTSIDE SPRINGFIELD ELEMENTARY SCHOOL – NIGHT
A black screen. The screen then fades into a dark blue night sky with snow falling down heavily. The Simpsons tune plays over the opening credits. The words ‘The Simpsons Christmas Special’ appear on the screen. ‘The Simpsons’ in yellow, ‘Christmas Special’ in red. The screen and the show title both fade to show a road with heaps of snow on each side of the paths. There is a tree in the foreground and several trees and huge piles of snow in the background. The trees have small amounts of snow on them. Marge’s voice becomes audible.
Marge: Oooh! Careful, Homer.
The Simpsons car comes into view swerving very dangerously in the road. Homer is driving with Marge sitting next to him and Maggie on her lap. The car’s flashlights are on and produce two huge beams of light.
Homer: There’s no time to be careful, we’re late.
The car screeches and hits a pile of snow that was left in the road. Homer and Marge then get out of the car. Homer is wearing a green coat, Marge is wearing a purple and orange coat and has orange earmuffs on and Maggie, who is being carried by Marge, is wearing a orange star-shape coat and sucking on a red dummy. They walk past a board that says in red writing:
SPRINGFIELD ELEMENTARY
SCHOOL
ANNUAL CHRISTMAS PAGENT

½ SPRINGFIELD SHOPPER
Homer, Marge and Maggie enter the school.
INT. SPRINGFIELD ELEMENTARY SCHOOL HALL – NIGHT
There is a stage with purple curtains and Christmas decorations all around. On the stage, there is a podium with a wreath attached to the front of it and a microphone on top and a group of 21 kids singing. The boys are in blue suits. The girls are in purple dresses. They are singing ‘O, Little Town Of Bethlehem’. Homer, Marge and Maggie, who is being held by Marge, walk across the screen, spoiling the audience’s view of the children singing. They are holding their coats and we see that Homer is wearing a blue suit with a purple tie and Marge is wearing an orange dress and a white necklace.
Marge: Sorry. Excuse me. Pardon me.
Homer is being rude and talking to people who are sitting comfortably and enjoying the show.
Homer: Hey, Norman. How’s it going? So, you got dragged down here too, huh? How you doing, Fred? Yep, Excuse me.
While Homer is chatting away, Marge is muttering ‘excuse me’, ‘pardon me’ and ‘sorry’ to the people sitting down and starts to get annoyed with Homer, who, just then, accidentally bumps into a lady in the audience.
Woman: Aaah!
Homer: Oh, pardon my galoshes! Heh, heh, heh.
They finally sit down in their seats just as the children on the stage start to finish their song.
Children: (singing) Are met in thee tonight.
The audience applaud and Principal Skinner walks onto the stage to the podium wearing a suit and holding a couple of pieces of white paper.
Principal Skinner: Ha ha! Wasn’t that wonderful? And now, “Santa’s of…many…lands as presented by the entire second grade class.
Marge: Oooh! Lisa’s class.
Homer nods. Maggie is constantly sucking on her dummy. There is a girl on the stage with her hands behind her back dressed up as Santa Clause. Above her, there is a globe of the world with a giant Santa Claus hat placed on top being hung up by string.
Girl: Frolich Weihnachten. That’s German for ‘Merry Christmas’. In Germany, Santa’s servant, Ruprecht, gives presents to good children and whipping rods to the parents of bad ones.
She throws out her hands, bows and walks off. The audience applaud. We see Maggie sucking her dummy and looking a bit shocked. We now see a boy on the stage dressed in a Japanese costume wearing a pair of plastic glasses the wrong way round.
Boy: Merry Kurisumasu. I am Hotseashi, a Japanese priest who acts like Santa Clause. I have eyes in the back of my head so children better behave when I’m nearby.
He turns around and we see that he is wearing glasses with eyes attached to them. The right eye falls down from the glasses and we can see the blue spring that was holding it. The audience gasp then applaud happily. Mr. Largo is now standing on the stage holding a microphone.
Mr. Largo: Now, presenting Lisa Simpson as Tawanga, the Santa Clause of the South Seas.
The curtains open up and Lisa Simpson is wearing a Tribe mask, a straw skirt and is holding two sticks, which have a fire flaring at the top of each stick. Mr. Largo backs away as Lisa begins her presentation.
Homer: Oooh! It’s Lisa. That’s ours.
Lisa does a dance while holding the sticks. She then moves onto juggling them. The audience look gob smacked. She carries on with her dancing and finishes it of on her knees, she pulls her mask up so we can see her face. She is wearing a pink blouse and a white necklace. She is smiling at the audience and they applaud her. Principal Skinner is now back at the podium reading from his paper.
Principal Skinner: Ah! The fourth grade will now favour us with a melody, ooh, er, medley, heh heh, of holiday flavourites.
The curtains open up and 28 children are standing there and start to sing Jingle Bells.
Children: Dashing through the snow
In a one-horse open sleigh
O’er the fields we go
Laughing all the way Ha! Ha! Ha!
Bells on bobtail ring
Making spirits bright
Marge is now talking to Homer.
Marge: Isn’t Bart sweet, Homer? He sings like an angel.
Homer nods, agreeing with Marge. Bart’s voice becomes audible and is singing his own version of Jingle Bells.
Bart: Oh, Jingle Bells
Batman smells
Robin laid an egg
The Batmobile broke its wheel
The Joker got away – Ah!
Bart is yanked away from the singing and Homer looks as though as if he understands the pain Bart just went through. However, everyone else carries on with the song, Homer looks angry.
Children: Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells
Jingle all the way
There is a time lapse and everyone in the audience is still enjoying the show. Homer looks bored.
Principal Skinner: (clears throat) The fifth grade will now favour us with a scene from Charles…er, Dickens ‘A Christmas Carol’
Homer moans.
Homer: Oh! How many grades does this school have?
INT. SIMPSONS HOUSE – NIGHT
The screen fades to the Simpsons household. Homer is sorting and looking through the ‘Xmas Box’. Bart and Lisa are on the floor writing their Christmas Lists. Maggie looks like she is calling for her mum who, is writing a letter and reading it in her head as she writes it.
Marge: Mmm. Dear friends of the Simpson family; we had some sadness and some gladness this year. First, the sadness. Our little cat, Snowball was unexpectedly run over and went to kitty heaven. But we bought a new little cat, Snowball II so I guess, life goes on.
Homer pulls the Christmas lights out of the box and sees that Snowball II is tangled in the wires.
Snowball II: Miaw!
Marge: Speaking of life going on, Grampa is still with us, feisty as ever.
There is a picture of Grampa on the wall.
Marge: Maggie is walking by herself
Maggie can only take a few steps before falling over again.
Marge: Lisa got straight A’s, and Bart…well…we love Bart. The magic of the season has touched us all.
Homer: Marge! Haven’t you finished that stupid letter yet?
Marge: Homer sends his love. Happy holidays.
Homer: Marge!
Marge: The Simpsons.
Homer: Marge! Where’s the extension cord?
Marge: (annoyed) Oh, for heaven’s sake, Homer, it’s in the utility drawer.
Homer: Sorry. I’m just a big kid and I love Christmas so much
Homer walks over to the drawer, opens it and…
Homer: D’oh! Oh! Every year…
Homer takes out the extension cord to find it all tangled up.
Marge: All right, children. Let me have those letters. I’ll send them to Santa’s workshop at the North Pole.
Bart and Lisa walk over to Marge.
Bart: Oh, please! There’s only one fat guy who brings us presents and his name ain’t Santa.
Marge looks at Lisa’s list and yawns. Lisa has written ‘A Pony’ six times and a ‘Thank You’.
Marge: A Pony? Oh, Lisa. You’ve asked for that for the last three years and I keep telling you Santa can’t fit a Pony into his sleigh. Can’t you take a hint?
Lisa: But I really want a Pony, and I’ve been really, really good this year.
Marge takes Bart’s list.
Marge: Oh, dear. Maybe Bart is a little more realistic. (shocked) a tattoo?
Homer: A what?
Bart: Yeah! They’re cool and they last the rest of your life.
Marge: You will not be getting a tattoo for Christmas.
Homer walks over.
Homer: Yeah! You want one, you’ll have to pay for it out of your own allowance.
Bart: (excited) All right!
Marge: (annoyed) Homer!
The phone rings. Homer picks it up.
Homer: Y’ello?
Patty: Marge, please.
Homer: Who’s this?
Patty: May I speak to Marge?
Homer: This is her sister, isn’t it?
Patty: Is Marge there?
Homer: Who shall I say is calling?
Patty: Marge, please.
Annoyed, Homer hands the phone to Marge.
Homer: It’s your sister.
Marge: Oooohh!
Marge takes the phone.
Marge: Hello?
Patty: Hello, Marge. It’s Patty. Selma and I couldn’t be more excited about seeing our baby sister for Christmas Eve.
While talking, Marge plays with the phone cord while Homer is still sorting out the ‘Xmas Box’.
Marge: Well, Homer and I are looking forward to your visit too.
Homer puts a finger down his throat as if to choke and walks off carrying the Christmas lights.
Patty: Somehow, I doubt that Homer’s excited. Of all the men you could’ve had, I don’t know why you picked one who’s always so rude…
EXT. OUTSIDE SIMPSONS HOUSE – NIGHT
Homer is on his house roof just adding the finishing touches to the Christmas lights. He stumbles and falls.
Homer: Aaah! Uh!
Luckily, the front lawn was covered in snow so Homer didn’t get hurt. Bart, Lisa and Maggie are standing on the path watching. They clap.
Bart: Good one, Dad.
Homer gets up and walks over to his kids.
Homer: Okay, kids. Prepare to be dazzled. Marge! Turn on the juice!
Inside the house, Marge turns the switch on. Only a few of the Christmas lights work. There’s also a banging noise as one of the lights goes out.
Homer: What do you think, kids?
Lisa: Nice try, Dad
Bart: (moans) Ohh!
Next door, Flanders’ voice becomes audible.
Flanders: Just hold your horses, son. Hey, hey, Simpson!
Homer: What is it, Flanders?
Flanders is standing on his front lawn holding a plug and a socket. His son Todd is standing next to him.
Flanders: Oh, er, do you think this looks okay?
Flanders connects the plug and socket. On Flanders house, there is lights everywhere, a giant Santa Claus, two elves holding presents standing on a huge ‘Merry Christmas’ is placed on the roof. The front lawn is filled with candy canes and merry go-rounds. It looks like Santa’s workshop.
Santa On Flanders Roof: Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho!
Bart: (amazed) Oh, neato!
Homer: (annoyed) It’s too bright!
Homer folds his arms.
Homer: Flanders is a big show-off.
Maggie falls over
EXT. SIMPSONS HOUSE – MORNING
It is morning, a few of the Christmas lights are still working and it is snowing heavily.
INT. SIMPSONS KITCHEN – MORNING
Everyone is sitting at the breakfast table eating.
Marge: Kids, you want to go Christmas shopping?
Lisa: I do!
Bart: All right! The mall!
Marge: Go get your money.
Bart and Lisa run off to get their money.
Homer: Spill it, Marge, where have you been hiding the Christmas money?
Marge: Oh, I have my secrets. Turn around.
Homer turns around and puts one hand over his eyes. Marge just simply takes the money jar out of her hair and places it on the table. It is full up with money.
Marge: You can look now.
Homer looks.
Homer: Oooh! Big jar this year.
Homer looks at the jar amazingly.
EXT. THE MALL CAR PARK – DAY
The screen fades into a car park, which is massive and full up. The Simpsons park their car in car park ZZ.
INT. THE MALL - DAY
The camera pans along and we see kids looking into shop windows watching toy trains in action. Marge, Maggie and Lisa are watching the train. Bart is outside The Happy Sailor Tattoo Parlour and is looking at the tattoos on display. Bart is looking at a specific tattoo. It is a tattoo of a heart and near the bottom of the heart, a bow wrapped around the heart with the word ‘Mother’. Bart imagines his mother’s reaction.
Bart’s imagination;
Bart has got the tattoo on his right arm and Marge looks happy.
Marge: Oh, Bart! That’s so sweet. It’s the best present a mother can get and it makes you look so dangerous.
Back to reality;
Bart believes that this is what his mum will say and enters the shop.
Bart: One ‘Mother’ please.
Man: Wait a minute. How old are you?
Bart: 21, sir.
Man: Get in the chair.
EXT. OUTSIDE NUCLEAR POWER PLANT – DAY
The entrance of the nuclear power plant has a sign above it saying:
SEASONS GREETINGS FROM
SPRINGFIELD
NUCLEAR POWER PLANT
INT. INSIDE NUCLEAR POWER PLANT – DAY
Homer is carrying a clipboard, walks past one machine and writes down a note.
Homer: Mm-hm.
Homer walks past another machine and writes down a note.
Homer: Mm-hm.
Homer walks past another machine and writes down a note.
Homer: Mm-hm.
Homer walks past another machine and writes down a note.
Homer: Mm-hm.
Homer walks past another machine. This time, the machine is giving off a red light warning people that’s its in a danger zone. Homer ignores this and writes down a note.
Homer: Mm-hm.
Smither’s voice can be heard over the tannoy.
Smithers: Attention all personnel. Please keep working during the following announcement. And now, our boss and friend…Mr. Burns.
Homer stops working. He puts down his clipboard and picks up a doughnut from a white box.
Mr. Burns: Hello. I’m proud to announce that we’ve been able to increase safety here at the plant…
More workers stop working and walk over to eat doughnuts. Mr. Burns continues.
Mr. Burns: …without increasing the cost to the consumer or affecting management pay rises.
There is now a roomful of workers eating doughnuts. Mr. Burns is in his office, talking into a microphone.
Mr. Burns: However, for you semi-skilled workers, there will be no Christmas bonuses.
Everyone groans.
Mr. Burns: Oh, and one more thing, Merry Christmas.
Everyone leaves except Homer.
Homer: Oh, thank god for the big jar.
INT. THE MALL – DAY
Marge, Maggie and Lisa are together looking for Bart.
Marge: Where’s our Bart?
Bart: Aaah!
Marge and Lisa look shocked as they hear Bart scream. Marge opens the door to the tattoo parlour, the Man and Bart look at Marge. Marge sees the tattoo that is incomplete and says ‘Moth’. She gasps. Marge grabs Bart out of the chair and out of the shop along the mall. Bart tries to explain himself.
Bart: But mum, I thought you’d like it.
Marge walks past The Popcorn Shack and into the doctors next door. Lisa is pushing Maggie in her pram and following Marge.
INT. DOCTORS – DAY
The Doctor is looking at Bart’s tattoo through a really big magnifying glass. The Doctor pushes the magnifying glass up and the Doctor’s glasses slide back down to his eyes from his forehead.
Doctor: Yes, Mrs. Simpson, we can remove your son’s tattoo. It’s a simple routine involving lasers.
Bart: Cool.
Doctor: However, it is rather expensive and we must insist on a cash payment upfront.
Marge: (worried) Cash?
Doctor: Mm-hm.
Marge: Oh, thank god for Homer’s Christmas bonus.
A really big laser is pointed at Bart’s arm who, is strapped by metal to a table. The Doctor is controlling the laser.
Bart: Ay Carumba!
Doctor: Now, whatever you do, boy, don’t squirm. You don’t want to get this sucker near your eye or your groin.
A red laser is making its way up the table to Bart’s tattoo. The Doctor pulls a metal switch down. There is a momentarily electric shock.
INT. SIMPSONS LOUNGE – NIGHT
Bart is watching TV with a bandaged arm wrapped around his tattooed arm. Lisa and Maggie are standing by the side of the couch looking at the white bandage. Lisa touches the white bandage.
Bart: Ow! Quit it.
Lisa touches Bart’s white bandage.
Bart: Ow! Quit it.
Lisa touches Bart’s white bandage.
Bart: Ow! Quit it.
Maggie touches Bart’s white bandage.
Bart: Ow! Quit it.
Homer walks over.
Homer: Hey. What’s this?
Homer touches Bart’s white bandage.
Bart: Ow! Quit it. (angry) Used to be a real boss tattoo.
Lisa: But mum had to spend all the Christmas money having it surgically removed.
Looking a bit tired, Marge walks in holding the jar and tipping it upside down making sure there’s no money left.
Homer: Ohhh! Aaaah! It’s true. The jar’s empty. Oh, my god! We’re ruined. Christmas is cancelled. No presents for anyone.
Homer turns around and sobs against the wall.
Marge: Don’t worry, Homer. We’ll just have to stretch your Christmas bonus even further this year.
Homer looks up, shocked.
Homer: Aaah!
Marge: Homer?
Homer is twiddling his fingers.
Homer: Oh, yeah, my Christmas bonus, heh, heh, heh. How silly of me. This will be the best Christmas yet. The best any family ever had. Heh, heh, heh.
Homer walks into the kitchen and out the front door.
EXT. OUTSIDE SIMPSONS HOUSE – NIGHT
Homer walks along the front lawn. Flanders’ Christmas decorations can be heard.
Santa On Flanders’ Roof: Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho!
It is still snowing heavily when he is on the path, Homer looks at his house then at Flanders’ house. He then hangs his head down as if he is in shame. The screen fades to black.
EXT. SIMPSONS HOUSE – NIGHT
It is snowing heavily and all the lights are on in the Simpsons’ house.
INT. HOMER AND MARGE’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Homer and Marge are sitting up in their bed talking. Marge is holding a piece of paper.
Marge: Mm. I get the feeling there’s something you haven’t told me, Homer.
Homer: Huh? Oh, I love you, Marge.
Marge: Homer, you tell me that all the time.
Homer: Oh, good. Because I do love you, I don’t deserve you as much as a guy with a fat wallet and a credit card that won’t set off that horrible beeping.
Marge: Well, I think it does have something to do with your Christmas bonus, I keep asking for it but-
Homer: Marge…well, let me be honest with you.
Marge: Yes?
Homer: Well, I was…
Marge is smiling at Homer and holding his hand in a comforting way. Homer is too distracted to tell the truth.
Homer: Ohhh! I-I want to do the Christmas shopping this year.
Marge: Well, sure, okay.
Marge gives Homer the piece of paper. Homer is smiling and his eyes are wide open. Marge turns off the light and goes to sleep. Homer’s eyes and smile are still clearly visible in the dark.
EXT. OUTSIDE CIRCLES OF VALUES SUPERSTORE – DAY
There are bits of snow everywhere and quite a few cars parked.
INT. INSIDE CIRCLES OF VALUES SUPERSTORE – DAY
Homer: (v.o) Marge. Marge.
Homer is looking around.
Homer: Mm. Let’s see.
Homer spots something.
Homer: Oooh! Look! Pantyhose!
He picks a packet up.
Homer: Practical and alluring. A six-pack. Oh! Only $4.99.
Homer puts them in his trolley. He walks down the aisle and spots something else.
Homer: Oooh! Pads of paper.
Homer picks it up.
Homer: I bet Bart can think of a million things to do with these.
He puts it in the trolley.
Homer: That just leaves little Maggie.
Homer spots something and walks off.
Homer: Oh! Look! A little squeak toy.
Homer picks up a pork chop squeak toy. He pushes it to see if it works. It does. Homer rips the bag a little bit.
Homer: It says it’s for dogs but she can’t read.
Homer throws it in the trolley.
EXT. OUTSIDE CIRCLES OF VALUES SUPERSTORE – DAY
Homer walks out of the store with all the stuff he bought in a brown grocery bag. Flanders walks along with his son Todd. Flanders is holding six presents. Homer and Flanders bump into each other, the presents go everywhere and Homer lands on the floor angry.
Flanders: Ow!
Homer: Uh!
Flanders: Oh, hoh, hoh, hoh, Simpson, it’s you.
Homer: (angrily) Hello Flanders.
Flanders help Homer back on his feet.
Flanders: Oh my, what a little mess we’ve got here. Well, which ones are yours and which ones are mine.
Homer: Well, let’s see.
Homer picks up his brown grocery bag.
Flanders: Oooh, this one’s mine.
Flanders picks up one of his presents.
Flanders: And this one’s mine.
Flanders picks up another present.
Flanders: And this one’s mine.
Flanders picks up another present.
Flanders: And this-
Homer: (angrily) They’re all yours.
Todd holds up Homer’s pork chop squeak toy.
Todd: Hey, Mr. Simpson. You dropped your pork chop.
Todd gives it a few squeaks until Homer snatches it from him and puts it back in the bag.
Homer: Give me that!
Flanders is holding all this presents and starts to walk with Todd.
Flanders: Well, happy holidays, Simpson.
Todd: Gee, dad. This is going to be the best Christmas ever.
Flanders: Heh, heh, you bet.
It starts to snow and Homer looks sad and starts crying silently.
EXT. MOE’S BAR – DAY
The camera fades to the front of Moe’s Bar. There is a wreath on the ‘O’ that spells ‘Moe’ There are Christmas decorations around the door. It is still snowing.
INT. MOE’S BAR – DAY
The camera pans straight along behind the bar. Moe is drying glasses while Homer is drinking a beer.
Moe: What’s the matter, Homer? Somebody leave a lump of coal in your stocking? You’ve been sitting here sucking on a beer all day long.
Homer: So?
Moe: So, it’s Christmas.
Moe pulls a candy crane from his pink apron and gives it to Homer who, begins to suck on it.
Homer: Thanks, Moe.
Barney arrives in the bar dressed as Santa Clause wearing a thin and loosely fake white beard.
Barney: Drinks all a-round.
He walks down to sit next to Homer.
Homer: What’s with the crazy get-up, Barn?
Barney: I got me a part-time job working as a Santa down at the mall.
Moe puts the beers on the table and Barney takes his straight away.
Homer: Wow. Can I do that?
Barney: Well, I don’t know. They’re pretty selective. (burps)
INT. OFFICE – DAY
The Manager for the part-time Santa Claus job is interviewing Homer. The Manager is reading questions from the application form.
Manager: Do you like children?
Homer: What do you mean? All the time? Even when they’re nuts?
The Manager is not impressed.
Manager: Hmmm.
Homer: Oh! I certainly do.
The Manager stands up to shake Homer’s hand.
Manager: Welcome aboard, Simpson. Pending your successful completion of our training program that is.
INT. SANTA CLASS – DAY
Everyone is dressed up as Santa Claus sitting at desks repeating words from the board.
Santa’s: Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho!
Homer puts up his hand.
Homer: Er, um…
Santa Teacher: What is it now, Simpson?
Homer: Erm, when do we get paid?
Santa Teacher: Not a dime till Christmas Eve. Now from the top.
The Santa Teacher points with his metal stick to the top of the board.
Santa’s: (dully) Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho!
Fade to the front of the class, the Santa Teacher is standing up with one leg on a chair while Homer recalls the names of Santa’s reindeers.
Homer: Erm, Dasher…Dancer.
Santa Teacher: Mm-hm.
Homer: Prancer.
Santa Teacher: Mm-hm.
Homer: …Nixon…Comet…
Santa Teacher: Mmm.
Homer: …Cupid…Donna Dixon?
Santa Teacher: Sit down, Simpson.
The screen fades and Homer is now sitting on the chair and The Santa Teacher is sitting on Homer’s lap pretending to be a little boy.
Homer: And what would you like, little boy?
Santa Teacher: You’re not really Santa, cubby.
Homer: Why, you little…
Homer goes to punch the Santa Teacher but he manages to stop him.
Santa Teacher: No, no, Homer. If such an emergency arises, you just tell them Santa’s very busy this time of year and you’re one of his helpers.
Homer: Oh! I knew that one too!
INT. SIMPSONS HOUSE – NIGHT.
Homer walks in through the door looking tired. He takes off his Santa Clause hat and places it on top of the coat stand. Marge walks in from the lounge.
Marge: Homer! Why are you seven hours late.
Homer: Not a word, Marge. I’m heading straight for the tub.
Homer walks up the stairs.
Marge: But Homer, my sisters are here. Don’t you want to say hello?
Homer shudders.
Patty and Selma are sitting on the couch. They are playing with Bart and Lisa, holding them very tight. Bart and Lisa are struggling to get away.
Bart And Lisa: Ugh! Ugh!
They see Homer and they leap off Patty and Selma to cuddle their dad.
Bart: Oh, daddy, you’re finally home.
Lisa: Oh, daddy, daddy. We’re so glad to see you.
Homer: What? Why? Oh, yeah. Hello Patty. Hello Selma. How was your trip?
Selma: Fine.
Homer: You both look well.
Patty: Thank you.
Homer: Yeah, well, Merry Christmas.
Selma: Mmm! It’s Christmas? You wouldn’t know it round here.
Homer: (annoyed) And why is that?
Patty: Well, for one thing, there’s no tree.
Homer: Well, I was just on my way out to get one!
Homer walks to the door with Bart and Lisa following him.
Lisa: Can we go too, dad?
Bart: Yeah, can we?
Homer opens the door and looks back at them.
Homer: (angry) No!
Homer slams the door shut.
EXT. ROADSIDE – NIGHT
Homer is driving along looking for Christmas trees. He drives past a shop with a sign saying:
ALL TREES $75
Homer drives past another sign saying:
TREES $60 AND UP
By the look on his face, Homer is very angry. The music tune to ‘A Winter Wonderland’ is being played. The car continues to drive along some trees that are very irregular with a sign at the top saying:
X-MAS TREES
SLIGHTLY IRREGULAR
And a sign at the bottom saying:
$45
The scene fades to footprints in the snow. The camera pans along the footprints and a sign comes into view saying:
NO TREPASSING
There is the sound of a saw humming, the camera moves upwards into the forest. A tree falls over into the snow. Homer is picking up the tree when he hears a man’s voice.
Man: (v.o) Hey, you! What do you think you’re doing?
Homer: Uh-oh.
Man: Hey, hey! Come back here!
Homer walks off with the tree whereas the man is firing gunshots and has set his two dogs after Homer, barking. When they have caught up with Homer, Homer has started driving away in the car.
INT. SIMPSONS HOUSE – NIGHT
A close-up of Homer then the camera backs away so we can see a little bit more of Homer. The screen then changes so we can see everybody’s reaction to the tree, which has a birdhouse on it. Homer is talking while this happens.
Homer: So, what do you think, kids? Beauty, isn’t it?
Bart: Wow! Yay, dad!
Lisa: Way to go, dad!
Selma: Why is there a birdhouse in it?
Homer: Ah! Er…that’s an ornament.
Patty: Do I smell gunpowder?
INT. MALL – DAY
The camera pans along a line of kids waiting to meet Santa Clause who, is being acted out by Homer. A man dressed in an elf suit is standing next to Homer looking bored. Homer is sitting on a blue chair with a kid sitting on his lap eating a doughnut.
Kid: And then I want some Robotoids. And then I want a Goop Monster. And then I want a great big giant-
Homer: Ah, son, you don’t need all that junk. I’m sure you’ve already got something much more important. A decent home and a loving father who would do anything for you. Hey, I couldn’t afford lunch. Give me a bite of that doughnut.
Homer takes a huge bite of the doughnut. The kid is shocked at how much Homer wants. There is a white flash and we see a black and white photo of Homer taking a bite of the doughnut and the kid in shock. There is a green background and at the bottom of the photo, it says: ‘Merrie X-mas From Santa’. Up above the mall, on another level, Bart, Milhouse and Lewis are watching Santa Clause talking to the kids, not knowing its Homer.
Milhouse: Get a load of that quote-unquote Santa.
Lewis: I can’t believe those kids are falling for it.
Bart: Hey, Milhouse, I dare you to sit on his lap.
Milhouse: Oh, yeah? Well, I dare you to yank his beard off.
Bart: Ah! Touché.
Bart walks off. Homer now has a girl on his lap.
Girl: I hope you feel better, Santa.
Homer: Oh, I will when Mrs. Claus’ sisters get out of town.
A man dressed up as an elf picks up the girl from Homer’s lap.
Homer: Thanks for listening kid.
Another elf lifts Bart up and places him on Homer’s lap.
Homer: Ohh! Uhhh! Oh!
Bart: Hey, Santa! What’s shaking, man?
Homer: What’s your name, Bart-ner? Er…little partner?
Bart: I’m Bart Simpson, who the hell are you?
Homer: (angry) I’m jolly old Saint Nick.
Bart: Oh, yeah? We’ll just see about that.
Bart yanks Homer’s beard off.
Homer: D’oh!
At that moment, there is a white flash. The photograph is of Bart yanking Homer’s beard. At the bottom of the photo are the words ‘Merrie X-mas From Santa’. There is also a green background.
Bart: (shocked) Homer!
Angrily, Homer picks up Bart and starts to walk to Santa’s workshop.
Homer: I want a word with you in Santa’s workshop, little boy. Cover for me, Elfie.
Homer goes into the workshop and puts Bart down.
Bart: Don’t kill me, dad. I didn’t know it was you.
Homer gets down on one day to talk to Bart.
Homer: Nobody knows. It’s a secret. I didn’t get my bonus this year but to keep this family from missing out on Christmas, I’d do anything.
Bart: I’ll say, dad. You must really love us to sink so low.
They both smile at each other.
Homer: Now, let’s not get mushy, son. I still have a job to do.
Homer pats Bart on the head. He stands up and goes to open the door. Homer goes outside.
Homer: Hey, little ones! Santa’s back! Ho! Ho! D’oh!
Homer bangs his head on Santa’s workshop as he stands up straight.
Homer: Damn it to-! Aaah!
Homer puts his hands on his head. Bart winces. Homer squeals while parents and their children look in disbelief.
INT. OFFICE – DAY
The camera pans along from the clerk to a line of Santa Claus’ who are waiting to get paid. The camera stops when it reaches Homer and Bart.
Homer: Ah, son! One day, you’re gonna know the satisfaction of payday. Receiving a big fat cheque for a job well done.
Homer and Bart walk up the line until they reach the clerk.
Clerk: Simpson, Homer. Here you go.
The Clerk hands a cheque to Homer. He then starts to walk off with Bart, happily.
Homer: Come on, son. Let’s go cash this baby and get presents for – Aaah! Thirteen bucks!
Homer goes back to the Clerk, just when the Clerk was about to close.
Homer: Hey, wait a minute.
Clerk: That’s right. $120 gross. Less social security…
Homer: Yes.
Clerk: Less unemployment insurance…
Homer: But…
Clerk: Santa training…
Homer: Santa training?
Clerk: Costume purchase…
Homer: Wait a minute
Clerk: And beard rental plus Christmas club.
Homer: What? What?
Clerk: See you next year.
The Clerk closes the glass window.
Homer: Ohhh!
Homer walks backwards and falls onto the couch.
Bart: Come on, dad. Let’s go home.
Homer: Thirteen bucks! You can’t get anything for thirteen bucks!
Barney comes along looking at his cheque
Barney: All right! Thirteen big ones! Springfield Downs, here I come!
Homer: What?
Barney kisses his cheque.
Barney: You heard me. I’m going to the dog track. I got a little hot puppy in the fourth race.
Barney sits down on the couch next to Homer.
Barney: Want to come?
Homer: Sorry, Barney. I may be a total washout as a father, but I’m not gonna take my kid to a sleazy dog track on Christmas Eve.
Barney: Come on, Simpson. The dog’s name is Whirlwind. Ten-to-one shot. Money in the bank.
Barney nudges his elbow into Homer.
Homer: Uh-uh.
Bart: Oh, come on, dad. This could be the miracle that saves the Simpsons’ Christmas. If TV has caught me anything, it’s that miracles always happen to poor kids at Christmas. It happened to Tiny Tim. It happened to Charlie Brown. It happened to the Smurfs and it’s gonna happen to us!
Barney pats Homer on the back.
Homer: Well, okay, let’s go.
Barney and Homer get off the couch and walk off with Bart.
Homer: Who’s Tiny Tim?
The screen fades to black.
EXT. OUTSIDE VIEW OF SIMPSONS HOUSE – NIGHT
All the lights are on in the Simpsons’ household. The Christmas lights are still working but only just.
INT. INSIDE SIMPSONS HOUSE – NIGHT
Everyone is watching TV. Lisa is sitting on Grampa’s lap. Maggie is sitting on Marge’s lap.
Bubbles: Hey, Moley, do you think Santa will be able to find Elf County under all this snow?
Moley: I doubt it, Bubbles. We’ll be sad little elves this Christmas.
Lisa: Oh no!
Grampa: Oh, brother!
Selma: Where’s your husband?
Patty: Yeah, it’s getting late.
Marge: Hmm-mm. He said he went carolling with Bart.
EXT. SPRINGFIELD DOWNS – NIGHT
People are entering Springfield Downs. Bart, Barney and Homer are among them. Homer looks worried while Bart is sitting on Barney’s shoulders and both singing.
Bart And Barney: We’re in the money. We’re in the money. We got a lot of what it takes to get along.
Homer: I can’t believe I’m doing this.
INT. INSIDE SPRINGFIELD DOWNS – NIGHT
The camera pans along the crowd. It’s nowhere near full. There is a kid and his dad standing against the railing. The Dad is looking through a pair of binoculars.
Kid: Can we open our presents now, Dad?
His dad turns to look at him and puts down his binoculars.
Dad: You know the tradition, son. Not till the eighth race.
Bart, Barney and Homer are also standing against the railings looking at the dogs getting ready for the race.
Homer: Hey, Barney, which one is Whirlwind?
Barney: Number six. That’s our lucky dog right over there.
Whirlwind is a brown dog with the number six written on a piece of paper, which, has been attached to his body. It is also being held onto by a leash.
Barney: He’s won his last five races.
Homer: (shocked) What? That scrawny little bag of bones.
Bart: C’mon, dad. They’re all scrawny little bag of bones.
Homer: Yeah, you’re right.
Barney walks off.
Homer: Huh! I guess Whirlwind is our only hope for a Merry Christmas.
A speaker comes on and a man’s voice becomes audible.
Announcer: Attention racing fans. We have a late scratch in the fourth race. Number 8, Sir Galahad will be replaced by Santa’s Little Helper. Once again, Sir Galahad has been replaced by Santa’s Little Helper.
Homer: Huh! Bart! Did you hear that? What a name! Santa’s Little Helper! It’s a sign! It’s an omen!
Bart: It’s a coincidence, Dad.
Homer grabs Bart and runs to the counter.
Homer: What are the odds on Santa’s Little Helper?
Male Clerk: Ninety-nine to one.
Homer: Wow! Ninety-nine times thirteen equals…
Homer picks up Bart.
Homer: …Merry Christmas!
Bart: I got a bad feeling about this.
Homer: Don’t you believe in me, son?
Bart: Ah!
Homer: Come on, boy. Sometimes your faith is all that keeps me going.
Bart is looking worried, while Homer is smiling at him frantically waiting for a reply.
Bart: Oh, go for it, Dad
Homer: That’s my boy!
Homer puts Bart down and puts the cheque on the Clerk’s desk.
Homer: Everything on Santa’s Little Helper.
INT. SIMPSONS HOUSE – NIGHT
The screen fades to the Simpsons’ lounge where they’re all watching TV.
Elf: Three cheers for Grimy.
On the TV, two elves are throwing another elf up and down while another elf stands still cheering and moving his arms.
Elves: Hip! Hip! Hooray! Hip! Hip! Hooray! Hip! Hip! Hooray! Hip! Hip! Hooray!
Lisa: Yay!
Grampa: Unadulterated pap.
Patty: It’s almost 9 o’clock.
Selma: Where is Homer anyway?
Patty: It’s so typical of the big doofus to spoil it all.
Lisa: What, Aunt Patty?
Patty: Oh, nothing, dear. I’m just trashing your father.
Lisa: Well, I wish you wouldn’t because asides from the fact that he has the same frailties as all humans, he’s the only father I have. Therefore, he is my model of manhood and my estimation of him will govern the prospects of my adult relationships. So I hope you bear in mind that any knock at him is a knock at me and I’m far too young to defend myself against such onslaughts.
Patty: Mm-hm. Go watch your cartoon show, dear.
INT. SPRINGFIELD DOWNS – NIGHT
The screen fades to Homer and Bart standing against the railings. Homer is kissing his ticket three times.
Homer: Come on, Bart. Kiss the ticket for good luck. Not that we need it, heh, heh, heh.
Bart kisses the ticket once. Just then, a fanfare plays over the speakers.
Announcer: Here comes Screwy, the mechanical rabbit.
The Mechanical rabbit starts riding along the orange fence.
Announcer: And they’re off!
The dogs are let off and start running. Homer and Bart are cheering.
Homer: Come on, Santa’s Little Helper! Go! Go! Run!
Bart: Run! Go on! Go, man, go!
Announcer: Around the first turn.
The dogs are racing terribly fast.
Announcer: It’s Whirlwind in the lead and coming up on the left is Quadroped followed by Dog O’ War and Fido.
Homer and Bart are still cheering.
Homer: Go! Go! Come on, boy! Yes! Yes!
Bart: Go Santa’s Little Helper! Come on get that rabbit!
The Dog’s legs are moving very fast and the camera focuses on Whirlwind.
Announcer: Dog O’ War coming up fast on the outside.
Homer: Come on, Santa’s Little Helper!
Bart: Come on, dog! Come on! Let’s go, go!
Announcer: And for the lock of last place, it’s Santa’s Little Helper.
Homer and Bart both gasp in horror.
Homer: Ohh! Aah!
Bart: Don’t worry, dad. Maybe this is just for suspense before the miracle happens.
Homer: Come on, you stupid dog! Come on, boy!
Bart: Go! Go!
The dogs are also keeping their eyes on the mechanical rabbit while running.
Homer: Run! Run! Come on, Santa! Come on, Santa’s Little Helper! Go! Go!
Bart: Run, baby, run! Come on, get that rabbit! Go on, Santa’s Little Helper! That’s right, Santa!
The race is over. Whirlwind wins.
Announcer: It’s Whirlwind by a country mile. Second; Chew My Shoe followed by Dog O’ War.
Homer: Ohhhh!
Homer bangs his head on the railing three times.
Bart: It doesn’t seem possible but I guess TV has betrayed me.
Homer: I don’t wanna leave till our dog finishes.
A long pause.
Homer: Ah! Forget it, let’s go.
They walk off.
EXT. OUTSIDE SPRINGFIELD DOWNS – NIGHT
Homer and Bart are picking tickets up from the floor in search of a winning one. Once each, they wipe trash off a ticket and pick it up. Neither of them are winning tickets.
Homer: Find any winners, son?
Bart: Sorry, dad.
A car pulls up. Inside, is Barney and a woman.
Barney: Hey, hey, Simpson! What did I tell you? Whirlwind!
Barney burps.
Barney: Let’s go, Daria.
They drive off. Homer and Bart start to walk home. A man’s voice becomes audible.
Man: Beat it! Scram! Get lost!
Santa’s Little Helper is running away from the man.
Man: You came in last for the last time!
Bart: Look, dad. It’s Santa’s Little Helper.
Man: And don’t come back!
The man throws a stone at Santa’s Little Helper. It misses. Santa’s Little Helper heads for Homer.
Homer: Oh, no you don’t. No, no. Get away from me. Uh-uh.
Santa’s Little Helper jumps towards Homer and Homer catches it. Santa’s Little Helper is doing a puppy dog look whereas Homer is furious.
Bart: Oh, can we keep him, Dad? Please?
Homer: But he’s a loser! He’s pathetic! He’s
Santa’s Little Helper licks Homer’s face.
Homer:…a Simpson!
Homer smiles.
INT. SIMPSONS HOUSE – NIGHT
The screen fades to the Simpsons’ house. The camera pans along the opening to the lounge where they are waiting for Homer. Grampa is asleep and snoring.
Marge: Hmm. We should call the police.
Patty: No, he’ll sober up.
Selma: Yeah, come staggering home.
Patty: Hm-mm. Smelling of cheap perfume.
Homer walks in.
Marge: (shocked) Homer!
Grampa wakes up.
Grampa: Uh! Wha-? Wha-? Wha-? Uh?
Homer: Look, everybody, I have a confession to make.
Selma: This should be good.
Homer: I didn’t get my Christmas bonus. I tried not to let it ruin Christmas for everybody but no matter what I did, I-l just couldn’t-
Bart interrupts.
Bart: Hey everybody, look what we got!
Santa’s Little Helper comes into view and barks three times.
Lisa: A dog! All right, dad!
Lisa and Maggie get off the couch to touch the dog.
Marge: God bless him!
Bart, Lisa and Maggie are all playing with Santa’s Little Helper.
Lisa: So, love at first sight is possible.
Bart: And if he runs away, he’ll be easy to catch.
Marge runs to give Homer a hug. Everyone is now around Santa’s Little Helper. Grampa is on his knees playing with Santa’s Little Helper with Bart, Lisa and Maggie. Patty and Selma are standing in the background
Marge: Oh, this is the best gift of all, Homer!
Homer: It is?
Marge: Yes. Something to share our love. And frighten prowlers.
Lisa: What’s his name?
Homer: Number Eight. Duh! I mean, Santa’s Little Helper.
Homer and Marge kiss. There is a white flash and that moment becomes a photograph with a green background. On the top right hand side of the photo are the words ‘Merry Christmas’ in red and at the bottom left corner are the words ‘From The Simpsons’ in yellow. The Simpsons tune is being played. The night sky with the snow falling down that appeared at the beginning of the episode is back showing one piece of end credit. The screen then goes black. The Simpsons lounge comes into view. The Simpsons are singing ‘Rudolph The Red Nose Reindeer’ with Grampa playing the piano. Maggie is riding Santa’s Little Helper and they run across the screen twice. The end credits are being played while they sing.
Group:Rudolph The Red Nose Reindeer
Had a very shiny nose
And if you ever saw it
You would even say it glows!
Bart: Like a light bulb!
Homer: Bart!
The screen now changes to an outside view of the Simpsons’ house.
Group:All of the other reindeer
Used to laugh and call him names
Lisa: Like shnozzola!
Homer: Lisa!
Group:They never let poor Rudolph
Join in any reindeer games
Bart: Like strip poker!
Homer: I’m warning you two!
Group:Then one foggy Christmas Eve
Santa came to say
Marge: Take it, Homer.
Homer: Er…Rudolph, get your nose over here so you can guide my sleigh, today.
Grampa: Oh, Homer!
Group:Then all the reindeer loved him
And they shouted out with glee
Rudolph, the red nose reindeer
You’ll go down in history
Bart: Like Atilla the Hun…
Bart is being strangled by Homer
Homer: You little…
Bart is choking.
Homer: Grrrr.
END