MAIN TITLES:
VOICES: The Simpsons!
Pan over Springfield Power Plant and the rest of Springfield.
Then, the camera works its way through a school window to see Bart Simpson.
He writes: "I will not waste chalk." on the chalkboard.
The bell rings and he runs out of the classroom and then out of the school on his skateboard.
After a high leap, he lands on the sidewalk and continues.
CUT TO:
NUCLEAR POWER PLANT
HOMER SIMPSON operates on a green piece of nuclear-something. Another worker eats a sandwich behind him.
A whistle blows. Homer takes off his mask and leaves. The green thing bounces off the table and lands on his shirt.
CUT TO:
SUPERMARKET
MARGE SIMPSON reads a magazine (Mom Monthly) as food items are checked behind her. Suddenly, MAGGIE SIMPSON, her baby daughter, comes into frame and slides across, unnoticed.
She is scanned and placed in a shopping bag inside a cart. Marge is surprised as her head pops out. Then, she breathes a sigh of relief and continues.
CUT TO:
SCHOOL BAND ROOM
Lisa Simpson plays a different tune (The Simpsons tune) than the rest of the class. Her instructor forces her out and she plays and dances as she walks out the door.
CUT TO:
HOMER'S CAR
Homer drives his pink car on a road. He feels something uncomfortable behind his back and reaches for the green thingy. He proceeds to throw it out of the car where---
Bart slides up and snatches it up before looking at a display of TVs in a shop window and dodging a slew of pedestrians. He then steals a Bus Stop sign. The bus suddenly passes them and a crowd run off after it.
They run across a road where---
Marge passes in her car.
Inside, Maggie plays with a toy wheel. They make several turns and then honk the horn together.
CUT TO:
Lisa attempts to handle a whole tower of books as she rides her bike. She reaches the Simpsons house, where she slides off the bike, takes her instrument, and runs into the front door.
Seconds later, Homer arrives and parks outside. Before he steps out, Bart flies over, lands on the car, and continues skating.
Homer steps out and shrieks in horror as Marge's car heads towards him. he runs into the garage and through a door into the house.
CUT TO:
The whole family rushes onto the couch, but don't have enough room which forces Bart to be flung up.
ON THEIR TV:
Created by Matt Groening
(Bart falls after the title)
Developed by James L. Brooks, Matt Groening, Sam Simon
FADE TO BLACK
FADE IN
The Simpson are playing Scrabble on their table. On the ground, Maggie assembles a tower of letter cubes before knocking them down with her hand.
A letter (A) falls by her and Lisa's hand bends down to pick it up. They PAN up to the table.
BART: Come on, Mom!
LISA: Yeah, Mom. Hurry up!
MARGE: All right. Hmm. How about "he"?
She places it down. There are random words on the board.
MARGE: Two points. Your turn, dear.
HOMER: Hmm. How could anyone make a word out of these lousy letters?
In front of him, on his rack, is the word "oxidize" perfectly spelled out.
HOMER: Oh, wait. Here's a good one. "Do".
He places it down. Bart looks bored.
LISA: "Id". Triple word score.
HOMER: Hey, no abbreviations.
LISA: Not I.D., Dad. "Id". It's a word.
BART: As in, "This game is stup-id."
HOMER: Hey, shut up, boy.
LISA: Yeah, Bart. You're supposed to be developing verbal abilities for your big aptitude test tomorrow.
MARGE: We could look this "id" thing up in the dictionary.
HOMER: We got one?
MARGE: I think it's under the short leg of the couch.
Homer reaches down and grabs it. The coach falls off balance. Homer hands it to Lisa.
LISA: "Id: Along with the ego and the superego, one of three components of the psyche."
HOMER: Get outta here!
BART: My turn. "Kwyjibo." (As he places them) K-W-Y-J-I-B-O. Twenty two points plus triple word score plus fifty points for using all my letters. Game's over, I'm outta here.
HOMER: Wait a minute, you little cheater.
Homer grabs Bart with his hand. A banana is in his other.
HOMER: You're not going anywhere until you tell me what a "kwyjibo" is.
BART: "Kwyjibo. Uh---A big, dumb, balding, North American ape with no chin.
MARGE: And a short temper.
HOMER: I'll show you a big, dumb, balding ape!
He reaches for Bart, knocking the table over.
BART (running away): Uh oh. Kwyjibo on the loose.
CUT TO:
OUTSIDE OF SCHOOL
Students run inside as a bus drops them off.
CUT TO:
PLAYGROUND
A girl jumpropes and signs.
GIRL: We come from Springfield and we sell swampland.
CUT TO:
Bart, who holds a spray can in his hand. He paint a crude picture of PRINCIPAL SKINNER on the school wall.
CUT TO:
Principal Skinner, directing students.
PRINCIPAL SKINNER: You there. No chewing gum on school grounds. In the trash can with it.
CUT TO:
Bart, who writes "I am a weiner" on the school wall.
CUT TO:
MARTIN runs to Principal Skinner.
MARTIN: Principal Skinner, one of my fellow children is vandalizing school property.
PRINCIPAL SKINNER: Oh, where?
CUT TO:
Kids laugh at Bart's drawing. MILHOUSE stands nearby.
MARTIN (Off screen): Over there, sir. See.
Milhouse peeks behind a bush and witness the scene.
MILHOUSE: Look out, Bart. Here comes Skinner.
BART: Yikes!
He fumbles with the spray can and tosses it into a garbage can. It lands inside but Skinner is already there.
PAN Up to Skinner's face.
PRINCIPAL SKINNER: Hmm.
The boys stand innocently whistling against the wall.
PRINCIPAL SKINNER: Whoever did this is in very deep trouble.
MARTIN: And a sloppy speller too. The preferred spelling of "wiener" is w-i-e-n-e-r, although "e-i" is an acceptable ethnic variant.
PRINCIPAL SKINNER: Good point. Boys, let's see your hands.
One by one, they reveal their hands.
PRINCIPAL SKINNER: Hmm. Good. Okay. Simpson?
Bart waves for a second, then reveals his hands, which are bright red.
MARTIN: You might say you caught him redhanded.
PRINCIPAL SKINNER: Simpson, you and I are going to have a little talk.
Bart clenches his teeth in nervousness.
BART: Same time, same place?
PRINCIPAL SKINNER: Yes, in my office after school.
STUDENTS: Ooooh.
Bart gulps. The bell rings.
CUT TO:
CLASSROOM
Ms. Krabappel shuffles papers as students walk in.
Marvin walks up to Bart, who looks at him angrily.
MARTIN: Bart, I hope you won't bear some sort of simpleminded grudge against me. I was merely trying to fend off the desecration of the school building.
BART: Eat my shorts.
MARTIN: Pardon?
MISS KRABAPPEL: Now, I don't want you to worry, class. These tests will have no effect on your grades. They merely detemine your future social status and financial success. (Reaches Bart) If any.
MARTIN: Mrs. Krabappel, isn't Bart supposed to face the window so he won't be tempted to look at his neighbor's paper?
MISS KRABAPPEL: You're right, Martin. Bart?
Bart groans. He turns his desk around.
MISS KRABAPPEL: Remeber to visualize the complex problems. And relax. The test will start now.
Students scribble quickly. Bart looks in agony at his paper. He turns around to look at Martin.
BART: At 7:30 a.m., an express train traveling 60 miles an hour leaves Sante Fe bound for Phoenix, 520 miles away.
MRS. KRABAPPEL: Shh! Visualize it, Bart.
DISSOLVE TO:
TRAIN STATION
The whole scene is in black and white. An old train prepares to leave. Steam blows out from the top.
BART: At the samt time, a local train traveling 30 miles an hour (one train leaves) and carrying 40 passengers leaves Phoenix bound for Santa Fe.
Bart stands in the middle of the train. APink 40 divided by 8 = is above his head.
BART: It's eight cars along and always carries the same number of passengers in each car.
Bart counts the passengers (5)
40 divided by 8 = 5 above his head.
BART: An hour later, a number of passengers equal to half the number of minutes past the hour get off (Bart is pushed by a person) but three times as many plus six get on.
Numbers fly off the train.
BART: At the second stop, half the passengers plus two get off but twice as amny get on as got on at the first stop.
Bart is once again pushed down by a swarm of oncoming passengers. A number is stuck in his mouth.
BART: Oof!
Bart stands up and is tapped on the shoulder.
A train captain stands in front of him.
TRAIN CAPTAIN: Ticket, please.
BART: I don't have a ticket.
TRAIN CAPTAIN: Come with me, boy.
He drags Bart behind him.
TRAIN CAPTAIN: We've got a stowaway, sir.
BART: I'll pay, how much?
A captain resembling Martain (tone of voice and similar face) looks at Bart.
MARTIN CAPTAIN: Twice the face from Tucson to Flagstaff minus two thirds of the fare from Albuquerque to El Paso. (laughs)
Bart glances outside the window where Skinner spraypaints a Santa Fe sign and laughs.
He jumps back inside and then looks out again. There is a train whistle...an oncoming train is barrelling towards them. Bart screams as he twists and pulls levers.
The trains collide and explode, sending Bart flying into the air.
CUT TO:
BACK TO CLASSROOM
Bart has fallen back off his chair.
MISS KRABAPPEL: Bart, there are students in this class with a chance to do well. Will you stop bothering them?
MARTIN: He's not bothering me, Miss Krabappel. I'm finished. May I go outside and read under a tree?
MISS KRABAPPEL: Certainly, Martin.
Bart picks his chair up and examines his paper. Outside, Martin mocks him through several gestures. Bart does it back.
MISS KRABAPPEL: What are you looking at, Bart? Are those naughty dogs back again?
As she looks outside, Bart snatches up Martin's paper from her desk. He erases his name and puts his own instead. As Miss Krabappel turns around, he puts it back on her desk.
MISS KRABAPPEL: You have 20 minutes, class.
Bart hums as he writes Martin's name on his original sheet and makes up a bunch of answers.
DISSOLVE TO:
Marge and Homer walk along a street.
MARGE: He's a good boy now, and he's getting better and sometimes even the best sheep stray from the flockand need to be hugged extra hard.
HOMER: That's exactly the kind of crapola that's lousing him up.
They come up across Bart's drawing.
HOMER: Hey, look at this. "I am a wiener." (laughs) He sure is.
CUT TO:
SKINNER'S OFFICE
Bart sits in front of the desk while Skinner looks angry at him.
INTERCOM: Mr and Mrs. Simpson are here.
PRINCIPAL SKINNER: Send them in.
Marge and Homer walk in.
MARGE: Hello again, Principal Skinner.
HOMER: What have you done this time, boy?
PRINCIPAL SKINNER: I caught your son defacing school property this morning. We estimate the damage at 75 dollars and frankly we think it's terribly unfair that other taxpayers should foot the bill.
HOMER: Yeah, it's a crummy system but what are you gonna do?
Marge whispers into Homer's ear.
HOMER: Ohh. No, he can't mean that. My wife thinks you want me to pay for it.
PRINCIPAL SKINNER: That was the idea.
HOMER: Oh.
PRINCIPAL SKINNER: By itself, something like this might not call for an extreme penalty...
Skinner looks down a cabinet with drawers labeled alphabetically. There is one specifically for Bart Simpson. He points to it.
PRINCIPAL SKINNER: But this is not an isolated incident.
He opens it. Inside are loads of folders.
PRINCIPAL SKINNER: Bart's behavior is unruly. He's frequently absent from school, then gives teachers pathetic excuse notes..
He shows a paper which says: "Please excuse Bart He was sick Homer Simpson".
PRINCIPAL SKINNER: That are obviously childish forgeries when compared to---
Homer hands him the check for the damage. The handwriting is identical.
PRINCIPAL SKINNER: Well, at any rate, it is my reluctant decision---
INTERCOM: Mr. Skinner, Dr. Pryor is here to see you. He says it's urgent.
PRINCIPAL SKINNER: Send him in.
J. LOREN PRYOR walks in. He is dressed almost like a professor (tie, shirt, coat).
PRINCIPAL SKINNER: Mr and Mrs. Simpson, this is our district psychiatrist, Dr. J. Loren Pryor.
HOMER: What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
J. LOREN PRYOR: On the contrary, I have some very exciting news for all of us. This aptitude test we administered this morning has revealed that the young Bart here is what we call a "gifted child."
HOMER: A what?
J. LOREN PRYOR: Your son is a genius, Mr. Simpson.
MARGE: Bart?
HOMER: This lunkhead?
PRINCIPAL SKINNER: Impossible.
J. LOREN PRYOR: No, no, we're quite certain. The child is not supposed to know his own IQ, of course, but, uh, you can see it's beyond the range of any doubt.
HOMER: 912?!
J. LOREN PRYOR: Uh, no, you have it upside down. It's 216.
HOMER: (sadly) Oh.
J. LOREN PRYOR: That's still amazingly high. Tell me, Bart, are you ever bored in school?
BART: Oh, you bet.
J. LOREN PRYOR: Mm-hmm. Ever feel a little frustrated?
BART: All the time, sir.
J. LOREN PRYOR: Uh-huh. Do you ever dream of leaving your class to pursue your own intellectual development on an independent basis?
BART: Wow, it's like you're reading my mind, man.
J. LOREN PRYOR: Uh-huh. You see, when a child with Bart's intellect is forced to slow down to the pace of a normal person, he's probably going to lash out in ways like these.
PRINCIPAL SKINNER: I think we should retest him.
J. LOREN PRYOR: No, no. I think we should move him to another school.
PRINCIPAL SKINNER: Ooh, better yet.
J. LOREN PRYOR: Bart, we'd like you to try a kind of school that doesn't rely on grades and rules and bells and buzzers. (Bart smiles) A school without walls...where you do as much or as little of the assignment as you feel the need to. (Bart is ecstatic). Does that sound good, Bart?
BART: Sign me up, Doc.
J. LOREN PRYOR: Excellent. We're all set then. Here's all the information you need. (hands Bart several papers) . Show up around nine-ish.
Pryor reaches out to shake Marge and Homer's hands.
J. LOREN PRYOR: Mr and Mrs. Simpson, congratulations once again.
PRINCIPAL SKINNER: I think we're all in a mood to celebrate.
HOMER: Doc, this is all too much. I mean, my son a genius? How does it happen?
J. LOREN PRYOR: Well, genius-level intelligence is usually the result of heredity and environment. Although in some cases, it's a total mystery.
FADE TO BLACK
FADE IN
Outside shot of the Simpsons house.
CUT TO:
Inside the kitchen, the kids eat breakfast as Marge combs Bart's hair.
BART: Aw, come on, Mom.
MARGE: You look very intelligent, dear.
BART: No way!
He shakes his hair back.
HOMER: How about a tie, son? Everybody knows boy geniuses wear ties.
BART: You're stifling my creativity, Dad.
HOMER: Sorry, boy.
MARGE: Bart, this is a big day for you. Why don't you eat something a little more nutritious?
HOMER: Nonsense, Marge. Frosty Krusty Flakes are what got him where he is today. It could be one of these chemicals here that makes him so smart. Lisa, maybe you should try some of this.
MARGE: Homer!
HOMER: I'm just saying why not have to two geniuses in the family? Sort of a spare in case Bart's brain blows up.
LISA: I don't care what that stupid test says, Bart. You're a dimwit.
BART: Maybe so, but from now on this dimwit is on easy street.
CUT TO:
Bart and Homer ride together in the car.
BART: No rush, Dad. Take the scenic route.
HOMER: Gotcha.
CUT TO:
The car arrives at the center.
Homer and Bart walk inside. Art and paintings are hung on the walls. Homer leads Bart to a certain room. Bart looks inside.
BART: Oh, no. Ties.
HOMER: Don't worry, son. You can have mine. Here, let me show you how to put on a tie. The hook goes over the top and these things go in there.
BART: Thanks, Dad.
Homer kisses Bart. They look at each other.
BART: You kissed me.
HOMER: There's nothing wrong with a father kissing his son, I think. Now go on, boy, and pay attention. Because if you do, one day, you may achieve something that we Simpsons have dreamed about for generations. You may outsmart someone.
Homer pushes Bart into the classroom. Homer waves goodbye.
VOICE: You must be Bart Simpson.
He looks at his teacher.
MS. MELON: I'm Ms. Melon,y our learning coordinator. Let me say right at the start that we have one rule here: Make your own rules.
She leads him through the classroom. Kids do various activities such as paint and play chess.
MS. MELON: If you feel sleepy, take a nap. If you get bored, feel free to take out a book and start reading.
BART: What should I read, ma'am?
MS. MELON: Anything you want, Bart.
Bart runs his finger through a series of classics before he comes across a Radioactive Man comic.
MS. MELON: A comic book? How did this get mixed in here? We used it last week as a prop in a film we made about illiteracy,.
She throws it into a garbage can. He picks it back up.
MS. MELON: Bart, these are the students who will share your work area. This is Ethan Foley.
ETHAN FOLEY: Oh, Memsahib, Bart. Rabbi has memo.
MS. MELON: Ethan's very good with palindromes. You know, sentences spelled the same backwards and forwards. And this is Sidney Swift.
SIDNEY SWIFT: Trabing norm doog.
BART: What's your problem?
MS. MELON: Oh, don't mind Sidney. He's just speaking in backwards phonetics today. He said: "Good morning, Bart." And this is Cecile Shapiro.
CECILE SHAPIRO: Hi, Bart.
BART: Cool hamsters. What are their names?
CECILE SHAPIRO: Hamster Number One has been infected with a staphylococcivirus. Hamster Number Two is the control hamster.
BART: Hi, little control hamster.
MS. MELON: I wouldn't get too attached, Bart. We're dissecting him next week. Discover your desks, people. Now let's all welcome the newest member of our collective experience, Bart Simpson.
The kids say hello in different languages.
MS. MELON: And now we can continue our debate from yesterday. When we left off, Calvin and Tanya were arguing that free will is an illusion.
IAN (lisping): If you ask me, humankind has freedom, a freedom fraught with paradoxes. Freud shows how childhood shapes our subconscious mind but this helps us to think for ourselves.
MS. MELON: Very good, Ian. Does anyone else have an example of a paradox?
Everyone raises their hands:
ETHAN FOLEY: Without law and order, man has no freedom.
GIRL: If you want peace, you must prepare for war.
MS. MELON: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Well, it seems the smartest child in the class is also the quietest. Bart, what other paradoxes affect our lives?
Bart looks at all the people gazing at him.
BART: Well, you're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't.
MS. MELON: Well, I guess that would be a paradox too. Thank you, Bart.
BART: Whew.
DISSOLVE TO:
LUNCH - Bart sits with a group of students a table.
STUDENT: Tell you what, Bart, I'll trade you the weight of a bowling ball on the eighth moon of Jupiter from my lunch for the weight of a feather on the second moon of Nepture from your lunch.
BART: Well, OK.
The student snatches up Bart's sub.
STUDENT: There you go.
He hands him a grape. Everybody laughs.
STUDENT 2: I'll trade you 1,000 picoleters of my milk for 4 gills of yours.
BART: Well, all right.
STUDENT 2: Anything you say.
He takes Bart's carton and pours four tiny droplets into Bart's cup.
STUDENT 3: Uh, Bart, would you wager your cupcake against my---?
BART: Save your breath.
STUDENT 3: What do you think of the new kid?
STUDENT 1: A rather mediocre genius.
STUDENT 2: Yes, not very bright at all.
They shake their heads.
FADE TO BLACK.
FADE IN
A shot of the Simpsons house.
CUT TO:
BART'S ROOM - Bart sits on his bed, reading a comic book and slurping a soda. Homer walks in.
HOMER: So, how was it?
BART: Os-os.
HOMER: What?
BART: That's backwards for so-so.
HOMER: Wow. What are you reading there? Comic books? Eh, guess you don't want to overheat the old noggin, eh? Tell you what. To celebrate your first day of genius school, what do you say we go out for a round of frosty chocolate milkshakes?
BART: All righty!
Lisa and Marge stand outside the door.
MARGE: Bart, I feel so bad for going so many years without --- mhm, hmm --- What's that word where you encourage something to grow?
LISA: Nurturing.
MARGE: Nurturing your brilliant brain so I got tickets to the opera tonight. Hurry up. Get dressed. It starts at 8:00.
BART: Oh, Mom. Not tonight.
HOMER: Come on, Bart, your mother's only trying to help, so go ahead and enjoy the show.
MARGE: Homer, you're going too.
HOMER: But I'm not a genius. Why should I suffer?
CUT TO:
A silhoutte of the family walks by a poster that says "Carmen" and shows a man singing.
They arrive on the balcony.
BART: Hey, Lis, keep an eye out for the guy with the peanuts.
MARGE: There's no guy with peanuts, dear.
HOMER: Geez. No beer. No opera dogs.
MARGE: Shhh!
A person conducts an orchestra. Maggie sucks her pacifier along with the beat.
BART:
(song)
Toreador, oh, don't spit on the floor
Please use the cuspidor
That's what it's for
He and Homer laugh.
MARGE: Bart, stop fooling around. Homer, stop encouraging him.
HOMER: Don't stifle the boy, Marge. We're supposed to encourage him.
MARGE: Shush!
DISSOLVE TO:
Later in the show. Men dressed as soldiers sing. The family stares. Homer and Bart snore and whistle and laugh.
MARGE: Shh!
A fat man begins singing on stage.
HOMER: Who's the lard butt?
LISA: He's the bullfighter.
BART: No way a bull's gonna miss a target that big, man.
Bart, Lisa, and Homer laugh. Homer makes farting noises.
CUT TO:
Martin's father sits in the audience with Martin.
MARTIN'S FATHER: Who are those people?
BACK TO SIMPSONS:
HOMER: P.U. When is this over?
BART: It ain't over till the fat lady sings.
HOMER: Is that one fat enough for you, son?
He points to a lady on stage and everyone but Marge laughs.
HOMER: Let's go get a burger.
DISSOLVE TO:
The classroom. Ms. Melon writes something on the board.
MS. MELON: So, "Y" equals "R" cubed over three. And if you determine the rate of change in this curve correctly I think you will be pleasantly surprised.
Everybody laughs. Bart is confused.
MS. MELON: Don't you get it, Bart? Derivative D-Y equals three R squared DR over three, or R squared D R, or R D R R. Har-dee-har-har. Get it?
BART: Oh yeah.
DISSOLVE TO:
Bart walks past the wall where he spraypainted Skinner. He stares at it for a second.
CUT TO:
Playground. Milhouse and a couple of Bart's other friends play marbles.
BART: Hi, guys. Great to see ya.
MILHOUSE: Get lost, Poindexter.
BART'S FORMER FRIEND: Yeah, beat it, Professor.
BART'S FORMER FRIEND 2: Why don't you go build a rocket ship, brainiac?
Bart groans.
DISSOLVE TO:
Bart eats dinner and has a sad face.
MARGE: Well, come on, you two, don't forget about the film festival.
BART: The what?
HOMER: Oh, sorry, Bart. Your mother bought us tickets to a snooty movie directed by some Swedish meatball.
BART: Oh no.
HOMER: Well, I guess we don't have to do that.
BART: Um, look, Dad. I got something to tell you.
HOMER: Can it wait, son? It's getting kinda dark.
CUT TO:
Backyard. Bart and Homer play catch with a baseball.
BART: All right, Homer. Coem on, baby. Right across the plate. Let me feel the wind.
Homer throws. Bart catches it.
BART: Whoa! Strike two! Two and two!
HOMER: Can you still see the ball, Bart?
BART: Don't worry, home boy. (throwing). You're not that fast.
HOMER: Oh, you don't think so, eh? Well, here comes some real heat.
BART: Whoa, yeah, strike three! You're outta there!
DISSOLVE TO:
Later in the evening.
HOMER: So, what was it you wanted to tell me, son?
BART: Oh, nothing, Pop.
FADE TO BLACK
FADE IN:
In a science classroom. Students are seated at lab stations.
MS. MELON: I'm still trying to get you a lab partner, Bart. If we don't get some volunteers soon, I'll assign somebody. Say, what's that? It looks dangerous.
BART: Well, it's really pretty top secret, ma'am.
MS. MELON: Alright, keep going. But you do know what happens when you mix acids and bases, right?
BART: Of course I do.
He pours a droplet into a cylinder.
CUT TO:
A shot of outisde the school. There is a bright flash of light and a window breaks. Glop falls down.
CUT TO:
Inside the classroom, everyone is covered head to toe in the green glop.
BART: Sorry.
CUT TO:
Inside J. Loren Pryor's office. Behind him is a picture of Einstein and Bart Simpson. Bart is still covered in green.
J. LOREN PRYOR: Now, Bart, we want to emphasize that nobody's angry about this. We--we're just concerned. When a young man with a 216 IQ can't make a simple experiment work...well, it doesn't take a Bart Simpson to figure out that something's wrong. Tell me, is the class moving too slowly for you?
BART: Lord, no.
J. LOREN PRYOR: Well, then, what can we do to make you happy?
BART: I wanna go back to my old class.
J. LOREN PRYOR: Oh, but Bart, don't you remember the boredom, the ennui, the intellectual malaise?
BART: Yeah, well, you know kinda um...but I was thinking I could go undercover.
J. LOREN PRYOR: Undercover? Bart, I'm intrigued. Go on.
BART: Well, I could pretend I'm a regular dumb kid. You know, to study them and all the stuff they do with each other. You know, see what makes them tick?
J. LOREN PRYOR: I see. Like Jane Goodall and the chimps.
BART: Yeah.
J. LOREN PRYOR: Uh-huh. This is most impressive, Bart. You write up your proposal while I talk with Principal Skinner.
BART: Proposal?
J. LOREN PRYOR: You know, outline your project: what you hope to achieve, what you'll require to do it.
BART: Gotcha, man.
Pryor leaves. Bart picks up the pencil and writes.
BART (TO HIMSELF IN HIS HEAD): My Proposal, by Bart Simpson. I want to pretend I am a regular dumb kid. Period. By this, I hope---Oh, no. "For this, I will--Ohh, require --- ohh. Oh, man. My Confession, by Bart Simpson. I am a regular dumb kid. Period. I cheated on my intelligence test. Period.
DISSOLVE TO:
Later. Pryor walks in.
J. LOREN PRYOR: Ahh, finished already? Principal Skinner will be very interested to---
He reads the paper.
J. LOREN PRYOR: Oh, you know. You misspelled "confession".
CUT TO:
MAIN LIVING ROOM OF THE SIMPSONS HOUSE
Bart walks in.
LISA: Hey, lookin' good, Bart.
MARGE: Bart, what happened?
BART: I had a little accident in chemistry today.
HOMER: well, I bet it's nothing a little turpentine won't take off. Come on, son.
CUT TO:
BACKYARD. Homer washes Bart with a hose and sponge.
HOMER: Don't be discouraged, son. I bet Einstein turned himself all sorts of colors before he invented the lightbulb.
BART: Dad, I gotta tell you something. Hope you won't be too mad.
HOMER: What is it, son?
BART: I'm not a genius, Dad.
HOMER: What?
BART: I cheated on the intelligence test. I'm sorry. But I just want to say that the past few weeks have been great. Me and you have done stuff together. You've helped me out with things and we're closer than we've ever been. I love you, Dad. And I think if something can bring us that close, it can't possibly be bad.
HOMER: Why, you little---!!
BART: Uh-oh.
Bart dives and Homer's face crashes into the dirty water.
CUT TO:
INSIDE, the rest of the family hears the screaming. Bart runs across naked.
MARGE: What's going on out there?
Homer chases after him.
LISA: I think Bart's stupid again, Mom.
MARGE: Oh, well...
CUT TO:
Homer chases Bart up the stairs. Bart runs into his room and locks in. Homer slams his fists on it.
HOMER: You can't stay in there forever.
BART: I can try.
HOMER: March your butt right out here, now!
BART: No way, man.
HOMER: But--Son, if you don't come out I can't hug you and kiss you and make you feel all better.
Bart reads a comic book and slurps a soda.
BART: You think I'm dumb enough to fall for that? I'm insulted.
HOMER: Do ahh (gibberish).
Homer punches the door, scratches it, and headbutts it.
CUT TO:
An outside view of the house as Homer screams.
FADE OUT
END CREDITS
THE END